8. Church Bullies

Do you remember those obnoxious kids from your school years whom you prayed each night you wouldn’t see the next day? Maybe they were the ones who would beat you up for your lunch money, or perhaps they were the mean girls whose assaults were more verbal than physical. Either way, bullies are bullies. They aren’t nice. They make kids cry. They wreak havoc on our self esteem. We seem helpless and cower when they’re around.

Now skip forward a couple of decades. Instead of being in school, you’re in church. There’s a guy in your church who’s always making a scene at business meeting. He stomps out of any service that’s not to his liking because of any number of reasons:

a. The music was composed after 1937

b. He doesn’t think the speaker is worthy to be heard

c. Something’s happening in the service that “we didn’t vote on”

d. The temperature is too hot or too cold

e. And many, many more reasons.

He does a somewhat decent job of hiding behind the façade of holiness and purity of doctrine, but he is a bully. A church bully, to be exact. When he doesn’t get his way he accuses, stirs up trouble, and rants that the church of today is going to hell in a hand basket (a term I have yet to figure out). He may even stir up trouble outside the church by writing a letter to the editor of the local newspaper or your state Baptist paper, complaining about the goings on at the church.

Most people in the church don’t particularly like him, but they tolerate him because they’re under the impression that “Jesus loves him, so I guess we have to as well.” This church bully is similar to the school bully who would put his fist in your face and demand money. But there is another kind of bully lurking in the pews of your church – the power bully.

The power bully doesn’t raise his voice or make a public spectacle of himself like his counterpart does. If he lost his cool, he would lose the respect and power that he craves. Most likely he’s respected by many in the congregation. However, his death grip on the position (or positions) of power in the church often sucks the joy out of ministry. Because of his power and influence, the programs, people, policies, and personnel (my alliteration gives away that I’m a pastor, doesn’t it?) he doesn’t approve of somehow go away.

How does one handle a church bully? Of course, it is easier to say how to do it than it is to actually do it. But often it’s like ripping off the bandage stuck to the hair on your arm – you just have to grit your teeth, yank it off, and endure the short-lived pain. In 1961, the episode “Opie and the Bully” of The Andy Griffith Show taught us how to stand up to those who terrorize your life. Opie was constantly harassed on the way to school by a bigger boy who demanded Opie’s lunch money with the threat of a “knuckle sandwich.” Opie learned the lesson through his Pa that you first try to work out things diplomatically. If that doesn’t work, then you’ve got to stand up to the bully, take your licks, and get on with life. If you don’t do this, you’ll live your life constantly cowering around the bully.

Whether it’s at school or at church, this is what has to happen. Good luck!

7. Clergy Appreciation

Wow, has it really been almost 3 months since my last post?

We’re half-way through October, which is also known as Clergy Appreciation Month. Some churches may call it “Staff Appreciation” or “Minister Appreciation” but it’s all the same – many churches recognize their staff, or at least their pastors, to show how much they are appreciated. I currently serve in a great church, but they don’t do too good of a job each October. If it is remembered, it is usually an afterthought. But more on that later.

I realize that there are some jerks who are in ministry. I’ve worked with some and have heard horror stories of others. But for the most part, pastors are in their position because are called of God. They are not in it for money, power, or prestige. In fact, many pastors left the security of their successful secular jobs, along with the salary and benefits, to follow their calling. As a pastor, I don’t want this to sound self-serving, but ministers are people who occasionally need their ego stroked. I’m not saying that we’re a needy group of guys, but often the task of ministry is unrewarding. If you think ministers have it easy, go hang out with one for a day or so.

If you’re a “lay person” (that is, one who isn’t paid to go to church), can I offer some recommendations of things to do and not do to show your pastors how much they are valued?


DON’TS

(1) Please don’t say something generic like, “Let me know if I can do something for you.” Most of these type of statements are truly heartfelt, yet usually don’t result in any action. It’s not likely that your minister will reply with, “Sure, come over and cut my grass. And you can take my family out to eat tonight. And tomorrow if it’s not too much trouble.”

(2) Some churches place an ad in their local newspaper describing how much they love their pastor(s). There are several things wrong with this:

a. Fewer and fewer people read the newspaper anymore. Even fewer read ads about something they think uninteresting

b. Of the people who do read the ads, what do they think? Your church members: “Yep, there’s my pastor. I sure do like him.” Your pastor: “Yep, there’s my picture. What a waste of money.” Other community people: “Where is the sports section?” In this society of ever-increasing skeptics, the average person who doesn’t attend church probably also doesn’t care how great your pastor is.

c. Most church budgets are tighter than ever. Why spend $200 or more on a one-time ad for a newspaper when there’s so many other needs? Is this really a good stewardship of resources?

(3) Don’t forget other ministerial staff members. In a multi-staff church, the lower down the hierarchy the staff member is, the more likely they will be overlooked. Do something nice for that middle school minister at your church, even if you don’t have any kids in middle school.

(4) Unless your minister has indicated that he or she would like the newest edition of the William Shatner Study Bible (King James Version), then please don’t buy them a Bible. Especially a “gift” Bible – you know, the kind you can get at your local dollar store. Chances are, your minister has multiple copies of God’s Word in his office, home, computer, and smart phone. Instead, ask him if there's a book or commentary he would like to have.

DO’S

(1) Give your pastor a gift certificate to a local restaurant. Make sure it’s one he likes, though!

(2) How about an all-inclusive night. Buy a couple of passes to a local movie theater, a gift card to a restaurant, and enclose an offer to watch his kids.

(3) Take a few minutes and write a note. No, don’t open a new Word document or email, but write a note and send to him. Again, don’t use the generic terms of appreciation, but specifically name three or four qualities you admire about him and why those are important.

(4) Unless he’s a stickler about his yard’s appearance, get a group of people together, go to his house, and cut, trim, rake, and haul off (don’t leave a bunch of bags sitting by the curb in the front yard!).

(5) Cookies are ALWAYS welcome!

(6) Think outside the box a little: why not consider a gift certificate for something like a one-hour massage. Your pastors are usually under more stress than you realize, yet most have probably never received a massage.

(7) Anonymously mail him a note with a $20 bill (or more!). That’s one less thank you he has to write!

One final thought: why not be nice throughout the year? Instead of compartmentalizing your generosity in October (and maybe December), why not surprise your minister with a kind act of appreciation two or three times a year? This is what I currently experience. Even though I may not get an official clergy appreciation gift card this month, I know that occasionally when I go out with my family to a restaurant, someone will pick up my ticket and pay. I receive a note of appreciation from different people throughout the year. It’s good for a minister to know that he’s appreciated, and not just during the month when a congregation is “supposed” to honor him!
Hopefully this will expand your think a bit concerning clergy appreciation. Oh, and if you really want to do something nice, try being supportive instead of argumentative in your next business meeting! :)

6. Pro Life

I’ve heard it said that Southern Baptists can be better defined by what they’re against rather than what they’re for. I think most people know the issues we’re against (at least officially): smokin’, drinkin’, and gamblin’. Then there are the “sex” sins: homosexuality, adultery, and any type of fornicating. Back in the ‘90s we were against Disney. And President Clinton (a fellow Southern Baptist). And dancin’. We threw a big fit in 1996 when Baylor (a Baptist university) allowed dancing on its campus. Yep, we’re against a lot of things.

Then there’s abortion.

You know the two sides to this issue: pro-choice vs. pro-life. Both sides desire to paint themselves in a positive light, so both sides are “pro.” The pro-life folks aren’t known as “anti-abortion,” but that might just be a more accurate term, because I’m not sure that all pro-lifers are “pro” all life.

Is it talking out of both sides of your mouth when you say that you’re pro-life, yet a zealous supporter of the death penalty? I find that most Southern Baptist ministers, and their active members, straddle the fence on this question of whose life is “precious” and whose is not. I’ll readily admit that I struggle with this issue myself.

You probably know some of the arguments for being anti-abortion:

1. Life begins at conception
2. All life is precious to God
3. Murder is wrong

I agree with all of the above. Believe it or not, I am pro life. Or at least anti-abortion.

But when it comes to the issue of the death penalty, many of the same people who picket abortion clinics are ready to put to death a convicted felon. Is his or her life not as precious to God as the unborn. I thought all life is precious. Where’s the grace among the deafening shouts for justice?

Let’s look at this from the angle of eternal life. According to Southern Baptist doctrine, the “positive” side to abortion is that these babies go to heaven, based on the belief of the age of accountability (perhaps we’ll delve into that topic in another post). However, criminals who are executed have no other chance to hear the gospel and be “saved.” Shouldn’t we want to extend their life on this earth as long as possible, to give them every chance to repent and come to Christ?

What about the homeless? We like to quote the “if you don’t work you don’t eat” verse, but where’s the grace? Where’s the love of Christ when we joke about AIDS patients getting what they deserve.

I believe that one of the reasons people waffle on this issue is because if you’re 100% pro life, it’s messy. It calls us to action, which gets our hands dirty. It calls us feed the hungry, love the AIDS patient, care for the elderly whose productive years are over, and yes, protect the unborn.

I applaud Christians who adopt. They are putting their faith into action. They are helping with solutions instead of condemning the problem.

I’m a pro life Baptist but more than that, I’m pro Jesus. I want to be known for being FOR Jesus, and not just against abortion. I believe that if I put Jesus first in my life and seek the mind of Christ, he will cause me to see people and situations through his eyes, and not just my own. It may be uncomfortable and messy, but it will be right.

5. Christian Entitlement

Maybe it's the fact that Christians "belong" to the creator of the universe, but have you ever noticed that many who claim to be followers of Jesus believe they are entitled to more than anyone else, including other Christians? Perhaps since most contemporary American Christians live in contemporary America, this selfish mindset comes naturally to those who happen to attend a local congregation of believers. Whatever the reason, I find the egoistic, "it's all about me" mentality rather disturbing.

Recently I spoke at a small gathering at another church which involved eating (of course!) as the first part of the evening's program. My speaking was to be after the meal. After the prayer for the food, the "Amen" signaled the beginning of the feast. It seems that most people jumped to their feet, pushed in their chairs, and rushed toward the tables of food all at the same time, similar to when you throw in a handful of food into one of those fish ponds. Everyone was scurrying toward the food like they hadn't had a decent meal in weeks.

Due to the layout of the room more than one line formed, meaning that one line of people had to merge into the other line in order to get to the food. It was like trying to merge from an on-ramp onto a bumper-to-bumper freeway at rush hour. People in the "main" line would inch forward, not looking at the merging line. Of course I was in the merging line, and felt like one of those guys who stands by the side of the road with a handwritten sign, begging for a handout. The people in the other line pretended not to see me as they shuffled toward the paper plates and utensils. Wow, all this so that they could keep their place in line to get their food to get back to their seat? Why not a little courtesy, putting others first, especially the guest speaker? :)

It's not just the feeding of the body of Christ that brings out the selfishness, but also the seating of the body of Christ. Next Sunday morning, try sitting in the seat or pew of a self-centered Christian and see what degree of wrath falls upon you. Nothing makes a church guest feel more unwelcome than to be told,"You are sitting in my seat." That's a great witness, huh?

We minister types aren't immune from self-centeredness. Oh no, we're right there in the middle with our selfish congregants. I've heard other ministers complain that their gift during pastor appreciation month in October wasn't as nice as it used to be. Some don't tithe because they feel they aren't getting paid enough as it is. Many ministers feel that their congregants are obligated to give them discounts, if not free, service or goods. Granted, many good-hearted parishioners are more than generous when it comes to taking care of their church staff. But when the staff comes to expect this, that bothers me.

Another thing comes to mind: tipping. Using the guise of good stewardship, too many Christians leave lousy, if any, gratuities to wait staff at restaurants. It's embarrassing to witness someone at Sunday lunch who is rude to the waiters, complains loudly, then refuses to tip. And you can tell they just came from church beacause they are all dressed up in the Sunday finest. It saddens me.

Be content with what you have.

Think of others more than you think of yourself.

Be generous.

Aren't these biblical concepts? Then let's not be just hearers of the word, but doers as well.

And next time, try leaving a 20% tip when you're in a restaurant. Who do you think needs that extra dollar or two, you or the one whose been standing on their feet all day?

4. Prayer Bookends

"Brother So-And-So, please open us up with a word of prayer."

How many times have you heard that phrase at the start of a committee meeting? Or in a Bible study class? Or some other Baptist gathering? The opening prayer is like the starting pistol in a 100-meter sprint, or a marathon, as the case may be. It indicates that the meeting has officially begun. All other statements, questions, and conversations were outside the realm of the official gathering and therefore not "covered" by the opening prayer. It doesn't matter if the meeting was scheduled for 7:00 and the prayer is not offered until 7:06. Even those six minutes of happenings are not official, because they weren't blessed with an opening prayer.

And what about that phrase, "Open us up with prayer?" Open up? Isn't that a phrase used to describe something as frightening as going to the dentist or as mundane as getting into a can of corn? Hopefully, on the meter of drasticness, the Baptist gathering in question falls somewhere in between those two extremes.

The opening pray-er will usually thank God for the day, the leader, and the leader's preparation and dedication. God is then petitioned to "be with us as we meet." Wow, I thought God is everywhere (that's "omnipresent" for you theological types). Do we really need to ask Him to be with us? I believe He already is.

After the "amen" the function can officially begin. The presence and blessings of God have been invoked, so everything that happens has to be God's perfect will.

Then at the end of the function another member is asked to "close us in prayer." Ah, the closing prayer. This is where we thank God for the gathering that just took place, the attendees, and ask God to bring us back safely. The gathering is now officially over with the last "amen," usually followed by several of the attendees echoing the amen.

For extra credit, one will pray using some King James English during either prayer. Words like thee, thy, dost, thine, and blessed (that's two syllables "BLESS Ed" not "blest"). God smiles longer on the gathering when using these words. I don't know what non-English speakers do for extra credit for Baptist gathering.

If only one prayer is said at a Baptist function, then most likely it will be the beginning prayer. Maybe we're afraid that a closing prayer will cause God to cease the outpouring of his presence and blessings.

Be on the lookout for prayer bookends at your next Baptist function. If you are called on to pray, please consider abandoning the bookend formula. Try something new, something daring! Pray from the heart.

3. A Woman's Place is in the . . . Church?

I despise labeling myself with those words that we religious folk use to distinguish between "us" and "them." Labels such as liberal, conservative, right-wing, left-wing . . . they're all subjective. I've been called both a right-wing fascist and a flaming liberal (by different people, of course) and my point of view hasn't changed THAT much over the years.

If forced at gunpoint, or by threat of having my name erased from the Lamb's Book of Life (by the way, yes I believe in eternal security), I suppose I'd like to think of myself as a "middle of the road" type of person when it comes to most things, politically and theologically, with a conservative leaning. However, based on your point of view, you might label me differently after this post.

I agree with most in my denomination concerning the 2000 Baptist Faith and Message which states that only men are biblically qualified for the office of pastor. From there, though, I believe that our churches perform a disservice to many of our women who long to use their gifts to serve the Lord in a local church.

Unless you're a member of one of "those" churches, you can probably count on one hand the number of times you've seen a woman perform ushering or offering duties.
Even in churches where there are women teaching a mixed-gender Sunday School or Bible study class, you won't most likely see anyone in a skirt pass the offering plate. I don't understand this.

I've been in churches where women teach, pray during the service, "speak" (not preach! On Baptist Women's Day, we have "speakers!") but not pass the offering plate. We have women on the counting and finance committees. Women are allowed to donate money during the offering, but from the time it enters the plate until a few minutes later when control is transferred to the counting committee, for some reason we've deemed it necessary that only those with the XY chromosome set are allowed to handle the money. I don't get it, do you?

I understand the pastor qualification. That's a scriptural issue. I understand why some churches won't allow women to teach men in adult Bible study classes. That's an interpretation issue. But to not allow women (or even consider) them as offering bearers? This is strictly a traditional issue.

Let's test our traditions against scripture. If they're anti-scriptural, then it's a no brainer -- those traditions need to stop. But if they're merely ascriptural then it should be safe to challenge those traditions without one fearing moving toward the left on that slippery "label" scale.

2. Happy 4th of July

Hopefully, you're not one of those people who get their knickers in a knot when church services are canceled on a Sunday night. If you're Lutheran or Methodist, this probably doesn't bother you, because your denominations normally don't have evening services. But we Baptists, especially the "Southern" variety, like our Sunday evening activities. And that's fine. I was raised preferring to sleep in on Sunday morning, going out to eat a late breakfast, and then going to the evening service because it was a smaller crowd with more "teaching" than "preaching."

But what gripes me is those who insist that if the 10% of the AM crowd who normally returns for PM activities doesn't meet then all of Christendom will come to a halt and names will be erased willy nilly from the Lamb's Book of Life. The unchurched will drive by our darkened building and empty parking lot, cluck their tongues, shake their heads then wonder about those so-called Christians at the so-and-so Baptist church. "What will they think?" I'll tell you what they'll think: THEY DON'T CARE! If they're not at home watching TV or at the ball field on Sunday night, I don't think they're driving by local Baptist congregations and seeing if they are meeting. I really don't think they give a flip about Baptist meeting habits.

And what REALLY gets me is that a lot of these complainers about no Sunday evening services don't come when there's a children musical on Sunday night. Or if someone "who's not interesting" is teaching that evening. Or the grandkids are in town. Or whatever . . .

And when we cancel PM services on Super Bowl Sunday so that families can be together and adult Bible study classes can have a fellowship and invite their neighbors to watch the big game, it would seem better in some minds if we were offering blood sacrifices on the altar . . . at least that would be biblical! How could we dare do something so "worldly?" Why, what would the writer of Hebrews think, when he penned chapter 10, verse 25 when he challenged Christians to not forsake assembling together? I heard Josh Hunt once say that the Bible says to not forsake assembling together, but it does not say you have to go to church three times a week.

If you feel that Sunday night church is a must, then God bless you. But please don't criticize me for wanting to spend an occasional Sunday evening with my family.

Counting the days until Labor Day weekend and another Sunday night off!